The Blogging Intensity Of Justin Ames: Single or Not?

“For better or for worse, I think that the romantic status of a 20-30-something blogger has a profound effect on their work. For some, the angst of being single fuels their muse. For others, there are simply fewer stories about doing lines off a stripper’s tits and waking up next to a dead hooker in Tijuana once that special someone enters their life.”

- BadAtLife

I woke up today in the same bed as someone else. For my regular readers, the fact that I woke up next to a woman will probably not come across as some huge revelation, or at least to the regular readers who actually believe what I blog about, it shouldn’t. But trust my word or don’t, it happened and I didn’t have to use any date-rape drugs. No, the revelatory fact in the above statement is that the woman I woke up next to is the same one I’ve woken up next to for a while now. Yeah… I know… The Velvet Rocket has gone soft (figuratively).

Uh-oh.

Below is a chart I created to try and better illustrate the danger:

I don’t mention this because I’m particularly concerned about sacrificing my past promiscuity or losing certain areas of my independence–like riding motorcycles, shooting guns or visiting war zones, or using all four pillows and the comforter to create a Justin-burrito at night while I sleep (This girl likes to get in my damn burrito!) I’m more concerned about this blog and my other writing becoming a bunch of boring, less bitchy, relationship-infused…. shit.

Okay, okay. It’s not like this is uncharted territory for me. I’ve dated a few girls during my run as a blogger. A few knew about this blog and one sort of dumped me because of it (although I gave her a few other reasons to shitcan me as well). My situation is a bit different this time though. This girl knows full-well about my blog. Almost everyone I know, knows about my blog. The stakes are higher now than when 70 people clicked on my page every day and I wrote with reckless abandon about racing the California Highway Patrol or getting blackout drunk at the Willow Glen Saloon.

What’s a blogger to do?!? Do I maintain my street cred and continue to write about blowing money on strippers in Vegas, riding my Kawasaki Ninja while still slightly drunk from the night before and other interesting, albeit, private matters? Do I scale back operations and not whisper a peep about things that I feel may hurt my non-blog life?

In an effort to help you understand my predicament, here’s a helpful guide to young men, bachelorhood, relationships, and blogging:

Young, angry, single, male blogger:

-Has edge.
- Writes about whomever and whatever he wants.
- Uses his blog to get invited to parties and to shamelessly promote himself (and to get laid).
- Drinks like Mickey Mantle in a whiskey distillery.
- Eats a Nutri-Grain bar from 7-11 on his way to score some Adderall.
- Blogs 7 times a week, with hundreds of spelling errors.
- Writes from a bar while swigging coffee, chain-smoking and occasionally taking a shot with the cute bartender.
- Doesn’t like to use condoms.

Young, a bit more cheerful, “dating someone”, male blogger:

- Edge couldn’t cut through warm butter.
- Writes in fear that his girl may see, so he tones it down and writes about some mundane crap that happened to him at work.
- Uses his blog to send thinly veiled love notes to his girl – “she likes to sleep in my damn burrito blah blah blah”  (See above for an example of this).
- Drinks less.
- Eats sit down meals that include at least one vegetable.
- Only has time to blog twice a week because “it’s movie night”.
- Uses spell-check.
- Writes from his girl’s bed with iced tea at his side, while occasionally stopping to pet his girl’s little yappy dog, which is nestled in one of his thighs.
- Doesn’t like to use condoms.

Clearly you can see my concerns. Now, do I really think that my situation is that dire? No, but I concede this new ballgame will test my mettle and my willingness to push the envelope on the blog. Now if you would excuse me, the pasta is almost ready and we’re about to snuggle up and watch a few episodes of Gilmore Girls….

….upon hearing that last statement, Justin Ames from 2008 scowls as he disdainfully throws back a shot of Jack Daniels, jacks a round into his Remington 870 and clicks “confirm” on his purchase of airline tickets to Somalia – while simultaneously holding down his own vomit.