To All The Girls –

From Northrop Grumman, to the beaches of  Termoli, to LAX, to the Chico College sorority houses, to the Brixton crack houses, to the Paris brat houses to the NYC banking houses, girls are non-stop complaining:

“All the good guys are taken!”
“It is so hard to meet a good man!”
“Where are all the great guys?!”

(Disclaimer: I haven’t actually “heard” girls say this very often – It just so happened that I overheard a girl complaining about it on the Tube today. I am not the shoulder to cry on and I have a very low threshold for nonsense. And my confidence is so out of control these days, that if I hear a girl talking about other guys or men in general, I simply bounce like checks from Middle America in 2009. But either way, I am sure girls say this rubbish.)

So, to all the girls, news just in: there are good guys out there.

For one, I have been single many times. And let’s look at my stats for a quick second. I have (again, not to be a flash bastard, but facts are facts):

• Youthful, brutally handsome good looks.
• A fat pocket. And I am liquid.
• A suit and tie collection, second to maybe, Ozwald Boateng.
• A name that carries weight like a cannon on the street, the war zone, the space scene and dope restaurants. Internationally.
• Great genetics and a full head of hair.
• Class, Style and Dash.
• Since age 8, my team played to win.
• Strong ambition since the days of Suicide Hill. And the scars to prove it.
• Undefeated on Frenchtown Road. Somewhere around XXXX-0. Give or take a few hundred wins.
• Came out on top of Dry Creek in the late 90s
• Street smarts and flow multiple languages.
• A positive, down to earth, humble attitude.
• Hell, I even know the capital of Malaysia.

The funny thing is, it is actually pretty easy to land a guy like me. And I think every guy I know will agree with me on this. All you girls need to do is this:

• Have timeless, striking, stunning, unique beauty.
• Be bisexual.
• Stay 21 years old forever.
• Have a father who is the richest businessman in your home country. 100 million give or take a mill here or a mill there.
• Be an adventurous traveler.
• Wreck shop in the kitchen.
• Historical family name. (Sure I come from a great family, but it is always nice to get some upward mobility out of the deal.)
• Be feminine and wear high heels and dresses. Always.
• Be able to do the splits and move your hips. Bonus points for being able to do back flips.

It’s really that easy.  I don’t see what the problem is.

Anyways, girls, I just gave you the master plan.  Make the most of it.