Monthly Archives: February 2009

How to Run a Financial Fraud

Bernie’s continuing freedom makes me wonder. Mr. Madoff may be a sociopath, but as of now, he also appears to be a genius. He has set forth a textbook case for how to commit a vast financial fraud — and succeed.

The lessons follow:

1. Last More than Six Years. This is the key part. The look-back period for a fraudulent conveyance claim is six years. Once you, the fraudster, go past the six-year mark, any monies that you transferred to third parties before that time are likely safe. It appears that Mr. Madoff’s fraud has gone far past the six-year mark, giving him safe harbor for any transfers made prior to that time.

2. Transfer Your Money to Friends and Family. With the six-year fraudulent conveyance period in mind, it is important to transfer significant sums to your friends and relatives through outright transfers. In addition, employ them in your business and pay them inflated amounts, which can also be hard to challenge on legal grounds. Ensure that the transfers to your spouse are plentiful and that significant sums are kept in his or her own name only. To the extent that this is impossible, open up accounts abroad. We don’t know the full extent of Mr. Madoff’s transfers, but it appears that his children, niece and brother were paid millions by his firm and that his wife is paying for his court-ordered 24-hour security service. I don’t believe she had a job. Where do you think this money comes from?

3. Title Your Assets With Your Spouse. After transferring as much money as possible for as long as possible, make sure that your home, vacation home, boat, etc., are all titled in your spouse’s name. In particular, have him or her own a home in Florida. This way, they can eventually relocate there and be protected under Florida’s homestead laws. Again, Mr. Madoff followed this principle, and much of his real estate, including his homes in Palm Beach, Long Island and France, appear to be titled solely in his wife’s name. Where do you think she got the money for these?

4. Confess When the Writing is on the Wall. Once it appears the scheme is over, confess quickly. This way you can control the process and limit the collateral damage. So, for example, did Mr. Madoff’s two sons, Andrew and Mark, who had worked for Bernie’s firm for years, 1) learn of the fraud from him and immediately inform on their father to the federal government, or 2) know about it all along, but their father, knowing that the end was coming, told them to report him so he could take the fall?

Which scenario seems more plausible: that Andrew and Mark were top executives for their father for years with no inkling, or were at best willfully blind? Under the former explanation, I think they are at best fools, and under the latter explanation, far worse. In any event, by managing his capture, Mr. Madoff has been able to create the appearance that he is the sole actor, something which seems incredible. In any event, I don’t see the Madoff family and the firm’s employees rushing to return the millions paid to them over the years.

5. Be Arrested by the Feds. The United States federal government has lenient bail requirements, which allow for bail so long as you are not a danger to society or a flight risk. Conversely, in the state of New York, you can go to Rikers. By being arrested by the Feds, Mr. Madoff was able to come under the federal bail procedures. That is why he is now sitting in his penthouse apartment. Had he been arrested by the state authorities, he might be in Rikers right now.

6. Pay Your Lawyers in Advance. Aware of your imminent arrest, use your funds to pay a significant sum to your lawyers as a retainer. This ensures that the money will not be seized (though the government will usually allow it to be made available) and you will be able to keep feeling important by ordering your lawyer around — instead of pleading for a public defender to call you back. Mr. Madoff is represented by Ira Lee Sorkin of Dickstein Shapiro. How big a retainer has Mr. Madoff paid to him?

7. Get a Timely Illness. This is another key milestone. A timely illness can mitigate your sentence or perhaps even get you off completely with house arrest. This hasn’t happened yet, but at some point before his trial, I have no doubt that Mr. Madoff will develop some deathly ailment or mental affliction that he will argue should keep him under house arrest and out of jail for the duration. Do you have faith in the United States attorneys in New York’s Southern District to rebut this argument?

8. Be Kind to Your Spouse. Remember, she or he has all of your assets once you remarkably recover from your timely illness. For now, Mr. Madoff is safe, so long as his wife doesn’t divorce him or get charged herself. And she has millions upon millions of dollars to spend freely. (See lesson No. 1, and repeat…)

Regards,

Steven M. Davidoff for The Velvet Rocket

The Kirkburn Sword

“Probably the finest Iron Age sword in Europe” according to the British Museum.

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Iron Age, 300-200 BC
From a burial at Kirkburn, East Yorkshire, England

At this time in the Iron Age (300-200 BC) few people were buried in graves when they died. However, East Yorkshire was an exception and this sword was found in a grave excavated by British Museum archaeologists in 1987. It was buried with a man who was in his late 20s or early 30s when he died. He was an old man; very few Iron Age men lived to be older than 35 to 40. The man was placed in the grave in a crouched position with his knees pulled toward his chest. The sword and scabbard were positioned behind his back. As part of the burial rite, the remains of a pig were placed on the man’s chest. As a final act before the grave was filled in, three spears were thrust into his chest as part of the funeral ritual.

The iron blade of a sword needed great time and skill to make and the sword as a whole is an incredibly complicated weapon and piece of art. The handle of this sword is unusually elaborate. It is made of thirty-seven different pieces of iron, bronze and horn. After it was assembled, the handle was decorated with red glass. The sword was carried in a scabbard made from iron and bronze. The polished bronze front plate was decorated with a La Tène style scroll pattern, and with red glass studs and insets.

The sword was clearly a valued object. The scabbard had been damaged and was repaired some time after it had been made, which might have been many years before it was placed in the grave with its final owner.

The Warrior’s Grave…
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Chicks Just Don’t Get It

One night when I was out with Eleonora, I bought a pack of gum and received some annoying penny coins for change.  Lacking any pockets and with no homeless people in sight, I simply threw them on the ground rather than carry around some dirty coppers all night.  Eleonora was absolutely shocked.  A lengthy discussion followed about examples of excess, starving children in Africa, arrogance, etc.

The upshot:  I still maintain that my decision was a rational one.

Cut to Monday night:  I’ve been wanting a black scarf for ages.  Seriously, they look good and, more importantly, it is obscenely cold here and a scarf would really make me more comfortable. Eleonora and I had met up with Chiara at a French cafe for coffee (Well, I had hot chocolate, but that is beside the point).  As we were exiting the cafe, I noticed a gorgeous Italian cashmere scarf lying on the ground right in front of me. Even though it was raining hard, only the edge of it was wet, meaning it hadn’t been there all day and been trod upon by hundreds of people. It was great.  I picked it up and brushed it off while commenting on my good fortune.  Eleonora was horrified.

“You don’t know who might have worn it. That’s disgusting.”

“I don’t think a homeless guy would have a scarf like this. Besides I’m not going to wear it right now, I’m going to take it home and wash it first”

This in no way mollified her.  My girlfriend reacted as if I were an animal.  Her reaction was as if I had told her that I killed a pregnant woman and dumped the body in the Thames.

I tried a different approach: “I have this friend named Ian that furnished his whole apartment with the cast-offs of other people.  He even got a free TV that someone wanted to get rid of.  It’s sensible from an ecological perspective and why should Ian go out and buy a TV when he can get a free one?  It’s the same with the other things he acquired, just as it is with this scarf.”

Eleonora responded, “It’s completely different.  You don’t wear a TV.  So, what if someone offered him something like a used mattress, he would take it? Yeah, right.”

“Ummm, well, actually…” (Eds. Note: Ian did, in fact, acquire a used mattress for free on Craigslist. With no regrets, I hasten to add.)

Now, she acted as if I told her that Ian had helped me kill the pregnant woman and dump her body in the Thames.  Man, Eleonora criticized me for ridding myself of the burden of carrying around dirty pennies all evening, but now I’m a barbarian because I picked up a scarf from the ground?  Where’s the consistency there?  Chicks just don’t get it.

The upshot:  As all chicks do, she got over it.  And now, your dear editor is looking dashing as hell with his new (and laundered) scarf. Oh, and I still maintain that I made a rational decision in this case as well.

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I Can’t Take The Illiteracy Anymore: An Open Letter

Thanks to the combination of politicians who care more about “freedom fries” than educating the young, parents who are too busy or oblivious to care what their children know, teachers who are just as ignorant as their students, and spell-checking software, an entire generation of children in this world has grown up illiterate. In other words…

most of you and your children cannot read and write your own fucking language.

You should be appalled by this.

I can’t stand it anymore. It’s time for a little lesson in elementary English.

For those of you who don’t know what a homophone is, it is not a device used to call 1-900 gay sex lines. A homophone is a word that sounds exactly like another word but is spelled differently, as opposed to homonyms, which are words that are spelled the same but have different meanings.

What’s even more pathetic is that when you ignorant morons get corrected over this stuff, you act as if the person correcting you is some kind of nitpicking freak. The fact is, you embarrass yourselves and prove you are ignorant and illiterate.

If you truly are too lazy or stupid to learn the most fundamental words and rules of our written language, then do the whole world a favor: DON’T EVER WRITE ANOTHER WORD AGAIN.

Here are the prime examples I see used and abused every single day of my life:

The words THERE, THEIR, and THEY’RE are not interchangeable. They have totally different meanings. If you or your children weren’t taught this stuff in elementary school, you should consider moving to a different school district.

THERE means thither, referring to a place apart from where you are. “When you get THERE call me.” “THERE it is.” “I can’t be THERE until tonight.” THEIR is the possessive form of THEY. “THEIR mother is on the way.” “This is THEIR car.”

If you care to notice, THEIR is an exception to the rule of “I before E except after C.” Other words are exceptions as well, such as WEIRD. If you can’t deal with these exceptions, move somewhere where you don’t have to deal with it, like Somalia.

THEY’RE is the contraction of the words THEY ARE. “They’re on the way” means THEY ARE on the way. Now, let’s use all of this basic and elementary English together in a sentence:

“There is no excuse why their English skills are so poor that they’re bound to look like ignorant fools.”

Got it?

Another trio of homophonic disasters are the words TO, TOO, and TWO. I see adults mix up TO and TOO. Where the hell were these people educated, and who had the balls to give them a diploma?

TO is a preposition. If you don’t know what a preposition is, look it up in the dictionary.  “I work from 9 TO 5.” “I need TO learn how TO write my own fucking language.”

The word TOO means “also” or “as well.” “I failed the English test TOO.” It can also refer to being excessive. “This is TOO much for me.” “You are TOO ignorant for words.” The word TWO represents the numeral 2. It comes after one and before three. One, two, three.

Another prime example of the illiteracy rampant today is confusing YOUR and YOU’RE. The word YOUR is the possessive form of YOU. “Is this YOUR handwriting?” “I think YOUR English sucks. The word YOU’RE is the contraction of the words YOU ARE. “YOU’RE an illiterate moron.”

Here is another common mistake made on a continual basis that pisses me off to no end: confusing the words THEN and THAN.

THEN usually refers to a time, past, future, or next in order. “Back THEN, people knew how to read and write.” It can also mean “in that case” or “as a consequence.” “If you don’t know your own language, THEN there is no reason to apply for this job.” The word THAN is a conjunction that creates a comparison between two subjects. “I can read and write better THAN you.” “I know you can write better THAN that.”

Oh, by the way, how does one possibly confuse the words lose and loose? They aren’t even homophones. LOSE is pronounced ‘looz’ and LOOSE is pronounced ‘loos.’ LOSE means either to misplace, or to fail to win. “Did you lose your keys?” “Did she lose the competition?” LOOSE is the opposite of tight. “You have a screw loose.” “You will lose the race if your shoelaces are loose.”

Oh for fuck’s sake, I just saw someone use the word AFFECT instead of EFFECT. He wrote “I tried ‘blah’ and got the same affect.”

AFFECT is a VERB, EFFECT is a NOUN. “Your illiteracy can AFFECT people in ways you cannot fathom.” “The EFFECT your stupidity has is beyond your comprehension.” MORON.

Finally, let us dispel any confusion you may have about the words ITS and IT’S.

While it is true that an apostrophe plus the letter ‘s’ is used to show a possessive, such as “the girl’s hair,” the word IT’S does NOT mean “belonging to it.” The word IT’S is the contraction of IT IS . “IT’S a terrible thing being illiterate.” ITS is the possessive form of IT, not IT’S. “Turn it on ITS side. Yet another exception. Deal with it.

What the FUCK is so hard about this stuff? What were you DOING in second or third or even fourth grade? If you didn’t master this stuff early in grammar school, I strongly suggest you do it now, before you end up embarrassing your ignorant self in front of a prospective employer.

Deir el Bahri (A Shot of Perspective)

This photo provides a glimpse of the vast mortuary complex of the pharaoh Hatchepsut, one of the few women to rule ancient Egypt. She followed the tradition of the pharaohs and had her mortuary temple, Deir el Bahri, erected in the Valley of the Kings. The ancient Egyptians called this place the Djeser-djeseru, the “Holy of Holies.” The temple is believed to have been built by Senenmut, who was a teacher of Hatchepsut’s daughter Neferure. The temple is made up of three courtyards separated by columnades. It is inside this temple that one can find the famous carvings of Hatchepsut’s expeditions to the land of Punt in Eastern Africa. An inscription inside the temple describes import goods obtained during the expeditions.

“…loading of the ships very heavily with marvels of the country of Punt; all goodly fragrant woods of God’s-Land, heaps of myrrh resin, with fresh myrrh trees, with ebony and pure ivory, with green gold of Emu, with cinnamon wood, khesyt wood, with two kinds of incense, eye cosmetics, with apes, monkeys, dogs, and with skins of the southern panther, with natives and their children. Never was brought the like of this for any king who has been since the beginning.”

Tattoos: The Best And The Worst – Part 2

Given the popularity of the first Tattoo Madness post, I decided another one was due…

Tattoo Madness – Part 1

So, without any further introduction, here are the Tattoo Madness – Part 2 results in no particular order.

I don’t think any of us had a perfect childhood, but… Really?

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face-piercing

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bizzare tattoo

Why we don’t let our friends give us tattoos:

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misspelled tattoos

Did this guy just give Papa Smurf a blowjob? Makes sense actually if you consider the male to female ratio in the Smurf community.

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This tongue tattoo below is a bit better. You know, if you think about how much it hurts when you accidentally bite your tongue, think of how much getting a tongue tattoo must hurt…

gnarly tongue tattoo

And this one looks even better, but is probably Photoshopped.

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A good anatomy lesson. This tattoo educates and entertains:

The coolest muscle tattoo

Here’s something else you could do with your arms:

Bridal Tattoo

Does this mean she is a moron and has nothing to say?

An eye catching tattoo

I never thought of turning the sketches I made in my notebook when I was bored in class into a tattoo, but this guy apparently did:

random drawing tattoo

Well, it’s creative…

ear tattoo of skull

Can you imagine getting ready to have sex with a girl and suddenly encountering this if you were not expecting it? Neither can I.

vag-tattoo

I have to confess that I’ve never thought of having a chili dog tattooed on me.

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Nor a bloody tampon with wings…

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Maybe if her skin wasn’t rippling with cellulite and wasn’t blindingly white, I could muster an appreciation for this. But, under the present circumstances, I’m afraid not.

horrible_tattoo

And this chick could be attractive, if she weren’t so covered in shit.

craziest tattoo

OK, so what happens when the vampire fad dies down a bit? People will think she has scabies or smallpox or worse.

vampire tattoo

Now, I thought this was pretty damn clever. These guys concealed their hair loss, by shaving their heads and tattooing hair in:

hair tattoos

Tattooed hair.  A good hair loss strategy?

Not a shocking tattoo, but I thought it looked pretty cool.

art_tattoo

Damn…

horror tattoo

I know these aren’t tattoos, but fucking hell…

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piercing

surface-piercing

I’m struggling to understand the appeal of a series of tattoos that make it look like you got your ass kicked. So many people are willing to do the real thing for free.

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Any cat lovers in the audience?

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How very inviting.

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Interesting.

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Imagine, this is someone’s grandma…

myanmar-tattoo

God, and so is this!

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I can see where he’s coming from. It always was the most fun to watch the girl fights in school.

girls fighting tattoo

I wonder how this guy would do in a job interview with this tattoo?

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Probably better than this guy – one of the creepiest people I have ever seen.

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So, the picture on the left is simply of this guy’s back, but if you look closely you will see that the tattoos on the right are on his eyelids and are not actually his eyes.

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Rather subtle and clever.

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Man, does anyone out there think this guy ever gets laid?

dork_tattoo

Just to remind you, dear readers, tattoos are permanent.

stupid-tattoo

This made me think of My Little Pony differently.

unicorn_tattoo

The Japanese are funny, huh?

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As always, I must give a nod of appreciation to the Yakuza though.

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Awwwww, did someone not get enough attention from mummy and daddy?

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It still amazes me that people voluntarily do this to themselves.

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Unclassifiable.

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Well, “Mr. Cool Ice” may have given us the world’s stupidest tattoos, but this may well be the world’s worst tattoo. Seriously, a retarded three-year-old could do a better job. And has anyone else noticed the correlation between waist size and bad tattoos?

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Not that there is any shortage of stupid tattoos to reflect upon.

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Seriously, what was this guy thinking?

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Keepin’ it real with the black widows…

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Well, after so much stupidity and/or negativity, I feel compelled to end on a positive note:

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For continued pleasure, be sure to check out…

Tattoo Madness – Part 1

and

Tattoo Madness – Part 3

and

Tattoo Madness Part 4: The Shock and Awe Edition

The World’s Longest Urinal?

I was in the Barbican Center recently and stumbled across this marvel of engineering in the basement bathroom.  Has anyone ever seen a longer urinal?   

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On The Need For Patrols…

Weakness, or the perception thereof, is provocative.  Sometimes violence and savagery must be confronted head on…  The practitioners of violence often understand no other language and so force must be met with force.  The world is not a kind or merciful place. It is, at best, indifferent.

The need to protect what one has was driven home to me in my childhood.  Prior to a massive wildfire that swept through the Ames estate in 1997, the surrounding woods were quite thick.  It was in these woods (woods that are indisputably a part of the Ames estate) that an innocent Justin was walking many years ago with my dog, Snow.  Pulling ahead of me, she disappeared into the thick brush surrounding us.  Suddenly, she started barking and then a shot rang out.  Snow howled in pain and then I heard nothing more.  Being unarmed and with bullets flying through the trees, I hit the deck.  However, after a moment I started crawling toward the scene of the crime.  I encountered Snow hobbling toward me.  She had been shot in her lower back.

I was furious, but my rage was impotent.  I was unarmed and unprepared to confront whomever had violated me so completely.  Snow survived for several more years, but suffered permanent internal damage.  The lesson was not lost on me.  Sooner or later everything you care about will be taken from you. Everything.  However, that  doesn’t mean you need to roll over and let it happen any sooner than you need to.

Now, shoot our dog while trespassing on our property and you, in turn, will be shot.

Since that eye-opening experience of my childhood, we have had to contend with poachers and the tools of their trade, the theft of equipment, drunk drivers losing control on Frenchtown Road and taking out property line fences, criminals in the guise of Yuba County Public Works cutting down perfectly healthy oak trees that were hundreds of years old and delighting in how much firewood they were going to get from doing so, illegal logging, illegal attempts to steal divert irrigation water on which an entire ecosystem relies and on and on.  In one rather aggressive instance, a neighbor tried to seize control of a swath of the Ames estate by simply constructing a fence across land of ours that she desired.  Jimmy’s calm protest of this seizure was met by threats from a band of thugs erecting the fence.  Our neighbors had one of their pet sheep gunned down and then taken (presumably for food).  We haven’t always caught those responsible for these transgressions, but in every instance where we were able to confront the violators, the Ames family has prevailed.

It can take half an hour or more to reach some of the remote sections of the Ames estate.  Good thing it’s been established that the Ames family doesn’t fuck around anymore.

I am currently on assigment overseas and so Jimmy Ames is presently serving as a deterrent on the Ames estate with Rapid Reaction Force Boers (RRFB) only a matter of hours away for more serious matters.

Never Die Alone

“She had me wrapped
around her little finger, and she knew it.
I used to laugh when I heard
people talk about bein’ in love.
Even writin’ the word makes me
feel helpless, but it’s true.
I’d never felt this way about another
person in my life, except my mother.
And I didn’t like it. I mean this
from the bottom of my heart.
I hated this feeling
that I had for Juanita.
It made me feel like I was–
like I was weak.
We couldn’t have that.
They say revenge
is a dish best served cold.
I was about to take my shit
right out the motherfuckin’ freezer.
Bitch thought she was gonna
get by without me…
she’d be thinking again real soon.
Might as well call me
a broken-down trick.
Using me for my money, then telling me
a quarter mil ain’t good enough.
A quarter mil’s always good.!
It was good then, and it’s
sure in hell still good now.

It was good then,
and it’s sure in hell still good now.

It was good then,
and it’s sure in hell still good now.

Still good now.
Still good now. Still good now.”