My roommate purchased a solid birthday present for me – actually presents plural – and so I am assuming she has done the same for Christmas. As such, I felt compelled to step up and return the favor. So, while searching for an item on her Christmas wish list, I was forced into the mall, which is particularly unpleasant this time of year due to the traffic and crowds.

As I was waiting to cross the crosswalk outside, an exceptionally hot chick joined our group waiting to cross. I made eye contact with a homeless guy that was also checking her out and the following conversation ensued:

Homeless Guy (HG): Bitches don’t mean shit to me!

(I burst out laughing at that point when everyone’s head whipped around to stare at the source of this declarative statement)

Me: Oh yeah?

HG: Yeah, I know what you’re thinkin’, but I got it all figured out. I had so many bitches in my day that I’m just over ’em now. You see with bitches, you got to treat a princess like a whore and a whore like a princess. You’ll always get in that way and I did.

Me: I think I’ve heard that somewhere else before.

(At this point the light changed, but I was enjoying the conversation and stayed)

HG: Shit’s true. Just don’t treat no whore like a princess for too long because she is a whore after all and she’ll end up shitting on you. Never degrade yourself for some bitch. There’s so many out there and I’ve had ’em all.

Me: All of them?

HG: Well, all types… Just treat ’em like shit eventually. All bitches prefer that. All that bullshit about women appreciating nice guys and all is just that – bullshit. No bitch will respect you if you’re nice to her. She’ll walk all over you and think nothin’ of you at the end of the day when she’s blowing some other guy that treated her like shit.

Me: Thanks. I’ll keep that in mind.

HG: Can I have ten cents?

I gave him a dollar and found out that his name was “Malcolm”.

Malcolm has solved the mysteries of girl’s love, and wife’s love, and child’s love, and found them delusions and shams, vain and fleeting as dewdrops, quick-vanishing before the ferocious facts of life…