One night a policewoman pulls over a drunk driver. “Anything you say can and will be held against you,” she barks. So he looks at her and says, “Breasts.”
Monthly Archives: December 2007
Life Lessons on Love
My recent conversation with Malcolm reminded me of one of my own experiences in learning the wisdom he was relaying to any who would listen… Unfortunately, this story will make me look like somewhat of a pussy, but I must be honest with my dear readers (And I think I redeemed myself in the end).
I dated this girl named Julie when I was 19. I went out with a couple of cheerleaders in high school, but this was the first really gorgeous girl that I thought was pretty serious about me. I put Julie up on a pedestal. No extravagance was too much. No cost was too much. No act of love was too much (I know, I know – I warned you it would make me seem like a pussy beta, but I’ve learned a lot since then…).
Now I’ll relate this little bit. I fall in love too easily, dear reader. That happens more than I’d like to admit (I still need to work more on being an asshole).
An act of kindness. A kiss. A hug. A crumb of affection. That’s all I wanted from Julie. She was a fickle creature though. Maybe because she was a theater major and took herself too seriously? Hot and cold. One moment she would be sweet and warm, while the next moment she would be as cold as ice.
Several weeks of riding the emotional roller coaster crawled by. One night we were having a conversation about her day and she relayed the fact that she had “hooked up” with some guy in a class of hers. Noting my raised eyebrows, the following conversation ensued:
“Yeah, I slept with him, but it didn’t mean anything. See, when I meet a guy, I’ll either view him as sex or boyfriend material. If I view him as sex material, then I’ll be completely upfront and he can have me no problem. I’ll do whatever he wants because, well, I’m bored. If I view the guy as boyfriend material, he has to pamper me and treat me like a queen. I’m really bashful about sex then.”
I began gathering my things.
“What are you doing? Are you leaving? You’re not mad are you?”
I ignored her, but the reality is that I really wasn’t mad at that point (a little hurt, but not angry). Part of the agony of a relationship can stem from the terrible uncertainty about it all. How does the other person feel about you? Do they love you (or lust after you) as much as you do them? Did they mean the things they said? I had suddenly had all of those questions answered and could now move on with my life. My contemplative silence was interpreted correctly by Julie…
“But, why? You’re boyfriend material. You’ve won my heart!”
“Yeah, that’s a real fucking prize…”, I responded with venomous sarcasm dripping from my voice.
“Wha – What does that mean?”
“It means I would rather have been one of your fuck buddies and meant nothing to you. At least they got something positive out of the deal rather than just pain and wasted time. In other words, I place no value on your love.”
And with that I walked out of her life forever.
Posted in Personal
Brazil’s Clandestine Nuclear Program
During Brazil’s military dictatorship from 1964 to 1985, the government clandestinely pursued a nuclear weapons program. In 1981, Brazil and Iraq signed a nuclear cooperation agreement that led the government to ship 26.7 tons of uranium dioxide to Baghdad. In 1989, the former head of Brazil’s nuclear weapons program worked in Iraq as a consultant.
With the return of democratic rule, Brazil and its rival Argentina jointly renounced the manufacture of nuclear weapons. But, the Brazilian program continued secretly, and when a new government came to power in 1990, it found and destroyed a 1,050-foot-deep shaft built by the Air Force in the heart of the Amazon that had all of the characteristics of a nuclear test site.
The Brazilian Navy has long been working on a program to build nuclear-powered submarines.
Posted in Politics
Tagged Brazil, Brazil's Clandestine Nuclear Program, Clandestine Nuclear Programs
Homeless Wisdom
My roommate purchased a solid birthday present for me – actually presents plural – and so I am assuming she has done the same for Christmas. As such, I felt compelled to step up and return the favor. So, while searching for an item on her Christmas wish list, I was forced into the mall, which is particularly unpleasant this time of year due to the traffic and crowds.
As I was waiting to cross the crosswalk outside, an exceptionally hot chick joined our group waiting to cross. I made eye contact with a homeless guy that was also checking her out and the following conversation ensued:
Homeless Guy (HG): Bitches don’t mean shit to me!
(I burst out laughing at that point when everyone’s head whipped around to stare at the source of this declarative statement)
Me: Oh yeah?
HG: Yeah, I know what you’re thinkin’, but I got it all figured out. I had so many bitches in my day that I’m just over ‘em now. You see with bitches, you got to treat a princess like a whore and a whore like a princess. You’ll always get in that way and I did.
Me: I think I’ve heard that somewhere else before.
(At this point the light changed, but I was enjoying the conversation and stayed)
HG: Shit’s true. Just don’t treat no whore like a princess for too long because she is a whore after all and she’ll end up shitting on you. Never degrade yourself for some bitch. There’s so many out there and I’ve had ‘em all.
Me: All of them?
HG: Well, all types… Just treat ‘em like shit eventually. All bitches prefer that. All that bullshit about women appreciating nice guys and all is just that – bullshit. No bitch will respect you if you’re nice to her. She’ll walk all over you and think nothin’ of you at the end of the day when she’s blowing some other guy that treated her like shit.
Me: Thanks. I’ll keep that in mind.
HG: Can I have ten cents?
I gave him a dollar and found out that his name was “Malcolm”.
Malcolm has solved the mysteries of girl’s love, and wife’s love, and child’s love, and found them delusions and shams, vain and fleeting as dewdrops, quick-vanishing before the ferocious facts of life…
Random Thoughts at 1:12 A.M. on Money & Capitalism
It takes an effort – of sorts – to forego consumption, sometimes it’s harder not to spend money than it is to earn it in the first place. The saver/investor is rewarded because he or she does the right thing, the honorable thing, the good thing: They give up the immediate pleasure of spending money so that others may have life and have it more abundantly. His or her savings enter into the pool of resources that others can draw upon to build a new factory…or a new house.
Forbearance is like labor itself – it requires self-discipline and consistency. Savers are not rewarded all at once, but over time; the longer they refrain from calling on their savings, the longer those resources are available to others, and the longer the saver’s “earnings” grow.
Imagine that a guy saves enough to buy a new car. He can use the car himself. Or he can rent it out to others, earning money on his savings by not using them himself. People who do this are “capitalists” or “rentiers” – they earn money by saving; they are paid NOT to consume.
Norman’s Cay: Playground for Drug Smugglers – Part 1
From 1978 to 1982 this tropical island was a refueling hub for Carlos Lehder and the Medellin cartel’s operation that shipped tons of cocaine into the U.S. via small aircraft. Trafficker George Jung (made famous by Johnny Depp in Blow) described it as “something out of a James Bond movie.” And U.S. drug agents say they realized too late what was going on there.
Here are pictures and a short report…
With the Bahamian authorities looking the other way, the island became a haven of debauchery for Lehder and his associates. Narco trafficker Carlos Toro remembers, “Norman’s Cay was a playground. I have a vivid picture of being picked up in a Land Rover with the top down and naked women driving to come and welcome me from my airplane…And there we partied. And it was a Sodom and Gomorrah…drugs, sex, no police…you made the rules…and it was fun.”
If you enjoyed this, don’t miss the much more detailed Part 2
Which Paris?
Where would you rather live, dear reader, Paris, France, or Paris, Texas?
In Paris, France, you have art, culture, food, architecture, theatre, films, restaurants, cafés, bistros and museums. But Paris, Texas, has its charms too.
Actually, I can’t think of any. But in Paris, France, you will pay $1 million or so for a 1,400 sq. ft. apartment with nothing in it. In Paris, Texas, on the other hand, for only $84,000 you can buy a 3-bedroom house, 1,352 sq. ft., with a laundry room, garage and patio.
I saw a photo of it in yesterday’s USA Today… I was able to find the photo online and for your benefit, dear readers, I have posted it below. Ugly as sin. Still, what do you expect for $84,000?
I guess all cops are(n’t) bad – Part 1
Location: Downtown Sacramento – 16th to 160
Time: Approximately 2100 hours
Mission: Beat my roommate back to the apartment
Despite the fact that I was in Sacramento and driving through Sacramento, I was feeling pretty good. I had been hanging out with hot chicks all day, no commitments or responsibilities were looming for weeks, the windows were down, Rammstein’s Reise, Reise album was on the stereo.
I pulled up to a crosswalk, quite visibly freaking out four bitter and uptight-looking Sacramentans with the intense, haunting Teutonic lyrics. Totally immature of me to appreciate that… I turned up my stereo.
The light turned green and I hit every other green light after that, continuing to gain speed and threading my way through the traffic until I got to the long straight stretch of Highway 160… I rounded the bend over the river and soon had the car up to 100 m.p.h. when I noticed the headlights of another car behind me. The driver behind me was tracking my maneuvering through the traffic and obviously wanted to race because they were trying hard to catch up to me.
I continued accelerating until I hit 120 m.p.h. At that point the guy was still gaining on me and I realized he was more committed to this than I was. So, I started moving over out of the way and realized that he had just illuminated some red lights on his car. It was at that point that I realized I had been racing a California Highway Patrolman. While fun, it can get awfully expensive in a hurry and so I would not recommend making a regular practice of it.
The officer was actually very pleasant and politely explained that he had pulled me over for my speed (which he had clocked at 117 m.p.h.), diplomatically pointing out that I had been driving in excess of twice the posted maximum speed limit of 55 m.p.h. However, he was kind enough to write on the ticket that I had only been doing 90 m.p.h. and that it was a 65 m.p.h. maximum speed zone (This act of mercy saved me from what would have been a very expensive reckless driving ticket). The fine representative of the law enforcement community then wished me a “fine evening” and was on his way…
Epilogue: I still beat Nicki back to the apartment.
The Lords Of Water
1st Tier
Veolia
Suez
2nd Tier
Bouygues – SAUR
RWE – Thames Water
Bechtel – United Utilities
Enron – Azurix
3rd Tier
Severn Trent
Anglian Water
Kelda Group
American Water Works (purchased by Azurix)
- Suez and Veolia have a monopoly on over 70% of the existing world water market. Suez operates in 130 countries and Veolia in well over 90. Suez serves more than 110 million people around the world.
- The partnership between Bechtel and United Utilities provides water service to over 28 million people
- Severn Trent, Anglian Water, Kelda Group, Thames Water and United Utilities have cornered the U.K. market
- Bouygeues – SAUR services over 25 million people in 30 countries
- RWE – Thames Water has expanded its operations into the U.K., Australia, Asia, the Middle East, Latin America and parts of Eastern Europe
- Anglian Water provides water service to over 7.2 million people on 5 continents
- Kelda Group operates in China, Germany, Canada and the Netherlands
- Veolia and RWE formed a consortium to take over half of Berlin’s water system
Life of… Justin?
I imagine many of my dear readers have seen or at least heard of the MTV reality show “Life of Ryan” following the life of skater Ryan Sheckler. I stumbled across an episode yesterday and after watching the duration of the episode, could not help but be struck by how boring Ryan’s life is. During the episode I watched, Ryan had an angst-filled, melodramatic conversation with his father on the Santa Monica pier over Ryan’s discomfort with his father dating other women following his parent’s divorce (No, Ryan was not sniffing coke off of the railings of the pier or giving the finger to Johnny Law – He was giving his dad a hard time over a completely trivial matter). This issue might be a big deal to Ryan (although I think he acted like a girl in junior high that takes herself too seriously), but it is hardly compelling stuff for the rest of us. Then the show cut to Ryan hanging out in a hotel room pining away over some girl (No, he was not out partying and hooking up with random chicks – He was just sitting in his hotel room). Lastly, the episode featured Ryan performing poorly in a skating match and being disappointed at his performance (No, he did not smash his board on the ground, unleash a torrent of obscenities or go out and get belligerently drunk to cope with his loss – He simply whined about his shitty performance and blamed his issues with his father on his poor results). Come on, dude…
The whole time I was watching this guy’s boring life, I was thinking, “Man, my life is way more interesting and awesome than this guy’s life. Why isn’t there a reality show about me?” I know what audiences want – wild excess, humor, plenty of hot chicks, reckless behavior, sex, speed, exotic locales… My life has all of that and more. And I can promise you that if I had a camera crew following me around that I would feel compelled to keep the fans happy and would therefore abandon all caution and prudence and make sure my life was completely over the top 24/7. Give me a call MTV… I’ll work more cheaply than Ryan and I’m more awesome.
Oh, and for the inevitable critics that will say, “What are you doing watching a show about someone else? Why weren’t you out being awesome?” – Please refer to the pictures in the post below… I am still recovering from my most recent bout of awesomeness. What did you do on Monday, Sheckler?
