Sitting in the doctor’s office today for a followup appointment to my climbing injuries, I had too much time on my hands. For some reason I was inspired to jot down a list of what I feel are 8 universal dude traits.

Touching or tasting something when someone tells you it’s “really hot”
Come on – their definition of ‘hot’ is probably well below ours. You see, we have
this natural resistance to high temperatures that…
JesusFuckingChristit’stakenmyskinoff!

Sticking a cotton Q-tip so far into your ear it makes you cough
Then pulling it out, panicking that there’s a piece of brain fragment on it, and reciting the alphabet to check you haven’t just damaged the bit that stores vowels

Telling your girlfriend about compliments from other females
Most powerful sentence in your arsenal? “Becky from work said I looked handsome.” Feel free to be trigger-happy with them.

Tentatively sniffing any dangerous substance
Generally found in garages and stamped with “Do not inhale” or a skull and crossbones. Impossible to avoid poking your nose in to ‘check.’ Then croaking, “Christ…try that” while waiting to black out.

Turning around when you hear high heels
Click-clack, click-clack. Just try resisting our strange, pre-programmed, Pavlovian response to the tap of stilettos. Because there’s always a hot chick…Aargh! Man-in-posh-shoes! False alarm! Abort!

Turning the car stereo up when it’s sunny
Ear-splitting techno? Man, you own this road. Soundwaves are almost bounching off the back of that hearse. Those pedestrians think you’re so fly. If only your iPod hadn’t just shuffled to that chick music

Using your girlfriend’s expensive shampoo
Ooh, it’s so luxuriant. Look at the sheen. The fluffiness. You can almost see the pro-vitamins at work. Seriously: pubes have never looked so good

Buying clothes that are too trendy for you
And you know it. All they’ll do is keep a clothes hanger warm until a Goodwill run is made. So long, stonewash dungarees.